Snapie and the Chipmunk Chase
by ladyAddison
Summary: What happens when Snape and Voldemort are thrown in none other than Harry Potter's Privet Drive one fine day, unable to use their magical powers-- with Snape in his chipmunk animagus form? Lawnmower chases, chaos, and more! Read and find out!
1. A Portkey in Privet Drive

Disclaimer: you know the drill....I don't own anything of Harry Potter---'s all J.K Rowling's....yup

Chapter 1

It was a bright August after noon in the picturesque neighborhood of Privet Drive. The lawns were finely manicured, the shining new cars were displayed in the driveway. Everything was prim and perfect, and nobody couldn't be happier. Except for three people, of course—Harry Potter (yes, yes, we know: the Boy who Lived), Snape (or Snapie to those that ridiculed him), and the most infamous wizard of all—Voldemort himself. (Ol' moldie Voldie. Harhar.)

Harry, of course, just endured his daily mental thrashing this fine morning, by none other than Uncle Vernon. Humiliated, the Boy who Lived stomped upstairs to the attic, and sat facing the outside window. "Why me?" he thought angrily. "Of all the people I could have been living with, why the Dursleys?" This brought on an onslaught of memories from the year before. Of his parents. And more recently, of Sirius, his deceased godfather.

But then, Harry heard a familiar noise—the noise of a Portkey.

Moments later, he found himself looking at the strangest sight he had ever seen in his entire life. Voldemort, dressed as a farmer, cursing extremely loudly, at a tiny (though ferocious) black, oily chipmunk apparently named Snape. "Hey...!!!" Suddenly Harry realized this boring summer day was to transform into something that went far beyond the realms of his imagination.


	2. WTH!

Chapter 2: WTH?!!?!

Harry rubbed his eyes and blinked, looking once more out his attic window. Voldemort was still there. Harry rubbed his eyes again. And again. This went on for ten minutes straight until he finally discovered this was not a figment of his imagination.

Yes, Voldemort was screaming obscenities. And yes, he was screaming them at an angry....chipmunk...named Snape....Harry found this quite curious indeed. He peeled himself away from the window and went to a locked cabinet. There, he picked the lock (a muggle way of _Alohomora_!) and retrieved his invisibility cloak. Having done so, he placed it on himself and crept slowly downstairs, exiting the house through a first-floor window.

"Snape! Stupid excuse of a Dark Lord's servant! I expected you to have that serpent potion _Serpenta Courtamosi_ prepared, ready to be tested on yourself. Little did I know you--idiotic peabrain!--would make numerous errors—transporting us to a muggle dwelling and turn you into a chipmunk. With me, devoid of my magic powers. You must be eliminated, for you do not deserve the privilege of my presence with your clumsiness and flukes."

Harry had heard enough. His heroic instinct told him Snape needed to be rescued. And rescue Harry would do. He would save Snape, the innocent chipmunk. _Snape the chipmunk is rather cute, actually_. Harry was surprised. _With his robes and nasty color, you'd never expect the glossy ebony fur of this creature_. But the chipmunk was enraged. Now _that_ was the Snape Harry knew.

Potter boy was outside at last. Having extricated himself from the flower bush, he proceeded to turn on the garden hose. Full blast. Directly under Ol' Voldie.


	3. Voldie and the Pitchfork

HanyouToni—thanks 4 the review, this is my first fanfic!

(And to my readers: these chapters may seem a bit short, but I promise they will be getting longer as the story progresses—thanks!)

Chapter 3: Voldie and the pitchfork

Harry turned the hose full blast. Under Voldie. And uncharacteristically so, Voldie jumped several feet in the air and shrieked like a girl. His farmer garb consisted of his cherry-red shirt, denim overalls, a polka-dotted bandana, along with a 5-foot pitchfork which he had planted sharp-side up.

Voldie fell after what seemed an eternity, and landed (as luck would have it), on the giant pitchfork. He yelped once more, and Harry snuck into the Dursley's garage shed to plan his second attack.

Meanwhile, Snape-the-chipmunk found an acorn in the grass and proceeded to eat it. His small claws held the treat and his eyes beheld the entire event's course. Including Voldie's excruciating pain he had after severly injuring himself. Snape's mirthful eyes eagerly followed the Dark Lord as he stumbled around clumsily, clutching his sensitive posterior.

In any event, Snape was forced to choose between two evils—Harry (the Brat-who-Lived) and Voldemort (hell-who-must-not-be-named). Having retained his human intellect, Snape chose the lesser—Harry. He ran through the grass towards the shed, where he knew Harry was.

Harry found the shed to be extremely cold, damp, and dirty. The lawnmower (with a seat and steering wheel) was one item found. Other objects discovered ranged from fertilizer to boxing gloves (Dudley's). No doubt his plump cousin would return with a child or two to beat up—Dudley might appear at any moment, so Harry needed to think of something, and fast.

Brainstorming started. _What is strong, sturdy, and able to defeat Voldemort or at least weaken him?_ Harry thought and thought some more. _Fertilizer? Strong?_ Putrid, certainly. Perhaps that would be saved for later. But...a lawnmower. A muggle lawnmower. Slowly, a smile crept up upon Harry's lips as he formulated his offensive.


	4. A Lawnmower and a Light Saber

Lady Taliesin: LOL! this is really funny - PLEASE continue it soon!

HanyouToni: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! UPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POLKADOTTED HAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Thanks!.....and now the story continues.....

Chapter 4: The Lawnmower and the Light Saber

Harry grinned. Uncle Vernon's lawnmower was perfect! And goodness knows the MANY times Harry had been forced to mow the grass. HE certainly knew it worked perfectly. The mower was an XR 450, top class (so the television ad said), a gaudy, nauseating purple that only Vernon himself would have picked.

All of a sudden, Harry heard a skittering noise inside the shed. _What was that?_ He wondered nervously. It was simply impossible that Voldie recovered so fast! _Inconceivable_! He muttered under his breath. But no, it was simply Snape. _The oily git_.

Harry sighed, disappointed. _Why did it have to be Snape he was stuck with, of all people? Why not...Cho?_ Harry sighed, momentarily letting himself drift away in his blissful dreams, forgetting the breakup...until a sharp bite threw him back into reality.

_Blasted chipmunk_.

Snape, (thank heavens), was NOT Cho, and the entire magical world rested in Potter's hands. Harry certainly did not want it known to the _Daily Prophet_ that Voldemort escaped due to Potter boy's lovesick negligence—the thought was far too embarrassing to contemplate. _"The Boy-Who-Lived: A Sorrowful Ballad of Romantic Pining," "Harry the Heartbreaker." _

Snape the chipmunk was sitting on his foot, munching on yet another acorn. _Does that stupid chipmunk ever stop eating?_ Harry wondered. The creature glared at Harry, as if it had heard every word, and continued its chewing.

Harry focused his thoughts on the lawnmower. He switched the ignition to on, and all worked well. The engine was extremely loud, though. Oh well. Anyhow, Snape hopped on top of the steering wheel as if to navigate. The lawnmower's engine was in top shape, and Potter sat on the mower seat. _Bomb's away_. He drove the mower toward the front of the lawn, where he knew Voldie was.

The Dark Lord was finished clutching his posterior when Harry arrived, though he was holding what resembled a muggle child's toy light saber. Most likely Voldemort abhorred

Muggles so much, he had forgotten all about muggle appliances. Voldemort, light saber in hand, flailed his arms in Harry and Snape's general direction and angrily attempted the killing curse. Unsuccessfully, or course. Harry and Snape were maneuvering the mower so that it faced Ol' Voldie. Their tactic was to squish Voldemort—violent, but possibly effective. Unfortunately, they failed to consider Voldie was standing at the front door. Harry hurtled the mower toward the Dark Lord, but not before Voldie ducked, and the door was no more.

_Crap_.

Potter boy reversed the contraption, and found to his horror that not only was he illegally operating this mower (Uncle Vernon was not supervising him), he had just driven it into his aunt's front door. At this point, Voldemort wasn't even giving chase; he was pointing and laughing at the rubble. Harry felt his face burn bright red. How depressing was it that Potter's own adversary had stopped fighting only to become hysterical at the sight of him? This was too much. Harry restarted the motor and willed the fight to begin once more.


	5. The Pompous Policing Wizards of Europe

Thanks for the reviews, much appreciated...and now, on to the show....

Chapter 5: The Pompous Policing Wizards of Europe

"WHY ME!!!" Harry yelled in frustration. Getting the lawnmower out of the dank shed was tough enough, but explaining the unfortunate absence of a door—the FRONT DOOR OF A HOUSE—was one thing. He stomped his feet in his anger, and cursed for what seemed an eternity. Voldie was in hysterics, the house was partially destroyed in the front, and Harry was operating an ugly, revolting purple lawnmower.

So long, and so loudly did Harry curse, pace back and forth, and yell at the laughing Dark Lord this that it took him a full ten minutes before he realized something was on his head. Owl Post. He unfolded it and read:

_Harry James Potter:_

_Lord Voldemort has been spotted by an anonymous, select few of witches around Privet Drive. Do be a good boy. Crashing a lawnmower into your dear aunt's house does not help. We are coming soon. Stand by. By no means are you allowed to use magic. Thank you for your time._

_The PPWE (Pompous Policing Wizards of Europe) _

Harry crumpled the letter into a ball and tossed in into a trash bin nearby. _Was this a joke?_ (But being the prideful brat-who-lived) Harry stupidly revved the lawnmower up once again and attempted yet again to crush Voldemort. The Dursleys were at Aunt Marge's he just remembered, and would not return until tomorrow.

In a matter of seconds, Harry had succeeded in crushing the front door, back porch, two front windows, three trees, four nesting birds (quite by accident), one side window, as well as Vernon's god-awful lawnmower. Luckily, Uncle Vernon's luxury car was not in the driveway, or else Harry would have crushed it too. He definitely needed a new strategy, as Voldemort was dodging his every move, and was quite unscathed.

Snape-the-chipmunk uttered an audible sigh of annoyance as he and Harry hopped off the mower. But where was Voldemort? Harry left the mower in the shed and dashed to the front lawn. No sign of Voldie. In the house. No Voldie. Finally, Harry looked up, and to his horror, he found Ol' Voldie doing a victory dance on the roof. '_Not on my turf you don't_,' Harry muttered.

"Oh, what's that, Pottie boy, you want me to surf?" said moldy Voldie with an impish grin. Voldie proceeded to 'hang ten' off the roof, laughing all the while. "Lookie here, Pottie—is that a coconut I see? Oooh, palm trees! Haha, nice grass skirt Harry brat, brings out your eyes."

"Stop it Voldie. You're not in Hawaii. GET OFF THE ROOF!" Harry bellowed. But Potter boy noticed Voldemort was right. Harry _was_ wearing a grass skirt. As far as he knew, Harry had never recalled having become a transvestite. Anyhow, there _were_ coconut trees. And palm trees, for that matter. Harry looked around once more. There was no doubt about it—they were in Oahu, Hawaii, on a beautiful summer day near Waikiki Beach. _Guess I'm not in Privet Drive anymore._


	6. Liliokalani says Mahalo

Sorry I haven't been writing for a while...'s a long story....lol....

Chapter 6: Liliokalani says Mahalo

Harry looked around the sandy seashore. The water was a clear sapphire blue one only sees in muggle travel magazines, and the sand was a pure ivory color from the sun. Laughter could be heard from all sides, and he heard slow Hawaiian music playing in the background. Harry also observed tanned surfers in the distance, and three young children being taught the hula. A bar was also nearby, surrounded with tall, thin tiki torches. Voldie made a beeline for the bar, and ordered an exotic drink that came with a decorative paper umbrella. Harry was all alone, but not for long.

Someone tugged on Harry's shirttail. "Mahalo!" Said one of the three small children. It was a little girl, who looked about seven years old. She was extremely tanned, and a bit chubby.

"Uh...what?" Harry said, extremely perplexed.

"_Mahalo_!" The child replied impatiently. "Welcome to Hawaii, mister. Wanna learn the hula? My name's Liliokalani and near the palm trees are my brother Kamehameha and my sister Kalena."

_Kamehame what??_ "Er..Lili..Lilioka..um...can I call you Lili? My name is Harr.._I can't give away my identity!_ I mean, um...uh...Har...um..Harvard." _Whew_.

"Sure, Mr. Harvard," giggled Lili. She grabbed Harry's hand with a force surprising for her young age. Lili dragged Harry to the nearest palm tree, and ordered him to wave his arms around. She did the same, and moved her body in time to the slow song playing in her pink portable Barbie CD player.

"Good job, Mr. Harvard, sir! You're almost as good as my sister Kalena."

"Uh, Lili, how old is Kalena?" Harry asked, looking at a tiny child that seemed to be Kalena.

"Oh, Mr. Harv, she's almost three years old!"

Lili looked over at him, did the once-over, giggled profusely, and blushed. Harry groaned audibly. He would give anything just to have a murderous Voldie chase him to his early death, or a rabid, furious Snapie bite him, to avoid the acute embarrassment of hula-dancing with an amorous seven-year-old with an unpronounceable name.

_Be careful what you wish for, Harry_, he scolded himself. Harry looked over to the tiki torch bar not ten feet away. Voldie was completely conked out, there was no doubt about it. His drink lay finished, and the decorative umbrella was cracked in a million pieces. _Snapie was...wait, where was Snape-the-chipmunk?_


	7. Dumbledore's Neon Swimtrunks

Chapter 7

Snape was nowhere to be seen. And what brought these people to Hawaii? Coincidence? Course not. Actually, Voldie's magic was making a comeback. And so was Snape's, but both in extremely fascinating ways.

Onward ho! Harry continued hula dancing with Lili, until several minutes later when her family left. "Bye-bye, Mister Harvie! Aloha!" He uttered a sigh of relief until he realized he was still in his grass skirt (and mysteriously enough), a coconut brassiere. Harry removed both, sold them for ten dollars in American currency, and felt quite puzzled indeed.

Harry then proceeded to the bar, and dragged the unconscious Voldie off his seat. No sooner had they done so, something mysterious began to happen.

Snape reappeared from wherever he had been, and was chattering something unintelligible in chipmunk language. Soon, the exquisite scenery faded away, only to be replaced by...Hogwarts. Dear Dark Lord was still out like a light, and Harry laid him on the carpeted floor.

He looked around, and saw the previous heads of the office, whirling inventions, and magical metalwork. They were in Dumbledore's office! On instinct, Harry looked towards the door and found Professor Dumbledore smiling benignly. It certainly looked as if _he_ had enjoyed his summer so far; Dumbledore sported neon-striped swim trunks that flashed the Gryffindor colors of red and gold, and his tee-shirt held a yellow smiley-face that repeated the words "don't worry, be happy!" at an adjustable volume.

Harry fought the urge not to laugh. In the past hour, he had been taught hula dancing by a small child, worn a grass skirt and coconut brassiere, Voldemort was drunk from alcoholic punch, Snape was a chipmunk, and Dumbledore was dressed quite informally.

But what now? Was Dumbledore going to punish Voldie? Harry hadn't the faintest idea.


End file.
